Dealing with emotions

I’ve never been the type of person to be open about myself. I keep lots of secrets and hide my emotions. I was coming to write about people in general and attachment to them and I found an article about emotions so I thought I might do a bit of both: relationship and emotions.

Firstly, I’ve changed schools often; the longest I’ve stayed at the same school was 3 years and I had one “close friend” that kept leaving me alone for her boyfriends. I didn’t really have friends… I hated most of them. I changed school almost every 2 years after that, for different reasons: moving, advanced school… Anyway, I’ve never made a close friend and my family (grandparents, aunts, uncles- not my parents or siblings) were rarely present. So things like missing someone for a weekend or even the thought of having a boyfriend is foreign to me. Though I did make a real best friend, maybe because we think alike… Without her, I’d be alone. Which I don’t want to be, because then I’d be a loser. Kids can be mean… I’m kind of weird with relationship, it’s something I don’t really understand. My friend, she’s there so I’m not judged for being alone, she’s there so I can reassure myself I’m normal, someone to discuss things with me, though she doesn’t always understand what I’m talking about. I don’t understand friends that hug each others after not seeing each other for a weekend… I don’t understand touching people. I don’t even like it, it doesn’t even feel good. Why would you want someone touching you? I get annoyed by people a lot; when they make noise with their mouths, when they breath to loud, when they laugh too loud, when they smell bad, when they don’t respect your bubble/privacy, and the list could continue. I’m getting weird feelings about everything. I always change: I don’t want to see anybody to a point that I hate the human species to wanting to help them and missing my grandmother.

For the emotions and feelings, I’ve never been good with them. I can’t tell at all in a reading comprehension what the character is feeling. I try to answer and something that would have been surprised might turn into curiosity for me. Maybe because I think differently then a lot of people… I don’t know, I always react differently… Psychology is complicated and I can never understand it. I prefer science and analyzing. I’m good at reading real people though. I can tell if they’re lying and make them reveal the truth. I’m good with psychology in a way.

My whole person is a contradiction. It’s almost as if I’m two person. I don’t know if that’s just because I’m weird and odd or because I’m a teenager…

After Rejection

I already wrote about my rejection that happened a month ago, but something happened and I thought about talking about it a bit more.  So, a month ago I asked a guy to go to the movies and he said no in a pretty cold way.  He’s in my class and we used to talk a lot, but since then we didn’t talk at all.  For a month, we didn’t say anything to each other, at least not directly.

Yesterday, I was reading and my friend was asking him where he was at in our work for our law class.  I then heard my name and someone asking me where I was in our class.  I looked away from my book and he was looking at me while smiling softly.  I could tell he felt awkward to talk to me but relieved he managed to do it.  I think he tried earlier in the day too, because he came to see me and my friend for a homework.  But, I ignored him.

I was quite surprised, he’s a very shy boy.   But I was happy that he talked to me.  I knew someday I’d have to talk to him again because we’re in the same class.  So I was relieved he did it first.  At the same time, I felt like he was sorry and that he understood that he hurt me.

So when I looked up from my book, I smiled at him and answered him like I would have normally.  Since last month, it was the first time I felt like that.  I wasn’t as stressed or as awkward.  I felt good, relieved.  I don’t know how to explain it, I just felt different.  I wasn’t embarrassed to see him anymore.

Rejection

Today, I thought about what happens when you wish to someone to get hurt and karma.  If you hurt someone will it really get back to you?  If you wish something bad to happen to someone, will it happen?

About three weeks ago, I asked a guy in my class that I kind off like if he’d want to go to the movies with me.  I sent him a message, actually.  When I sent it, I felt so so nervous.  Deep down, I knew his answer even thought I was hoping for something else.  I wanted to go back and erase it, but it was too late.  It was my first time asking something like that to someone.  He said; ”No, I wouldn’t go out with you.”

He hurt me a lot and I cried.  I knew he’d say no.  But, thinking it and hearing it isn’t the same thing.  I was mad and embarrassed.  I knew I’d have to see him at school, in class.  I almost didn’t go to school, but I didn’t want him to think it affected me and that I was weak, because I am not.  I went to school and was in a bad mood all day.

Today, I went to school and saw him.  He was laughing at the jokes I made in class and sometimes looking towards me.  I hated that.  He acted the same way as before…  The same way that made me think I might have had a chance.  I remember hoping he’d get hurt or something.  And guess what?  He broke his hand and went to the hospital!  I was kind off happy, even thought I know I shouldn’t.

He’s a nice guy from what I know.  I’ve talked to him a lot before, and it was fun.  But now, we don’t talk anymore.  I know, now, that he doesn’t think of me as anything special.  But, I’d still like to have him as a friend.  Now that I think about it, I think I just rushed things…  If I think about it, I don’t think I’d see him as something more then just a friend.

Being rejected is never a nice feeling.  But, I’m kind off proud that I asked him to go to the movies.  It takes a lot of courage to do that.