Dealing with emotions

I’ve never been the type of person to be open about myself. I keep lots of secrets and hide my emotions. I was coming to write about people in general and attachment to them and I found an article about emotions so I thought I might do a bit of both: relationship and emotions.

Firstly, I’ve changed schools often; the longest I’ve stayed at the same school was 3 years and I had one “close friend” that kept leaving me alone for her boyfriends. I didn’t really have friends… I hated most of them. I changed school almost every 2 years after that, for different reasons: moving, advanced school… Anyway, I’ve never made a close friend and my family (grandparents, aunts, uncles- not my parents or siblings) were rarely present. So things like missing someone for a weekend or even the thought of having a boyfriend is foreign to me. Though I did make a real best friend, maybe because we think alike… Without her, I’d be alone. Which I don’t want to be, because then I’d be a loser. Kids can be mean… I’m kind of weird with relationship, it’s something I don’t really understand. My friend, she’s there so I’m not judged for being alone, she’s there so I can reassure myself I’m normal, someone to discuss things with me, though she doesn’t always understand what I’m talking about. I don’t understand friends that hug each others after not seeing each other for a weekend… I don’t understand touching people. I don’t even like it, it doesn’t even feel good. Why would you want someone touching you? I get annoyed by people a lot; when they make noise with their mouths, when they breath to loud, when they laugh too loud, when they smell bad, when they don’t respect your bubble/privacy, and the list could continue. I’m getting weird feelings about everything. I always change: I don’t want to see anybody to a point that I hate the human species to wanting to help them and missing my grandmother.

For the emotions and feelings, I’ve never been good with them. I can’t tell at all in a reading comprehension what the character is feeling. I try to answer and something that would have been surprised might turn into curiosity for me. Maybe because I think differently then a lot of people… I don’t know, I always react differently… Psychology is complicated and I can never understand it. I prefer science and analyzing. I’m good at reading real people though. I can tell if they’re lying and make them reveal the truth. I’m good with psychology in a way.

My whole person is a contradiction. It’s almost as if I’m two person. I don’t know if that’s just because I’m weird and odd or because I’m a teenager…

Liars and lying

If you lie too much, it’ll become a habit.

I hate liars.  I always did.  I can’t stand being lied to, so I always tried to find out the truth.  I’m good at knowing whether someone is lying or telling the truth, so I get angry at people easily, knowing that they are hiding something from me.

But, I’m also a liar, and a good one on top of that.  I love lying, I hate telling the truth.  I lie a lot.  To my parents, siblings, friends, teachers, psychologist, everyone.  I don’t like them knowing about me.  So I do understand those who lie to me.  But most people, they’ll telling the truth to the ones they trust, unlike me.  I lie to them, so they can think of me as a good person.  Someone who wants to help them, someone who won’t judge them, a genuine person.  The truth is, I just want to know about them, know how they think, they’re weakness.  I’m manipulative, I admit it.  I’ve told people I was a liar, but that’s just part of the game.  I told them I was a liar, if I was a ”real one”, I wouldn’t tell them.  And I tell some stupid lies, so they think that those are what makes me thinking I’m a liar.  So they end up trusting me anyway, not thinking about me lying to them.  I rarely reply correctly and directly to a question.  They don’t know that much about me.

Only my closest friend, knows some of my secret.  But that’s because I have no one other then her.  If I’m not normal with her, when will I ever be?  I care about her, which is surprising.  I don’t get attached to people usually.  But, we understand each other and we are pretty alike so it’s nice.  For once, I feel like I have a true friend and I believe I should be a true one too.

I hate liars, but I am one myself.  Nothing makes sense.